ב'ה
May I have a word with you?
The Secret Of Rebuke
By Rabbi Yosef Kahanov, Jax., FL
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
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At the Chofetz Chaim’s Yeshiva in Radin, a student was once found smoking a cigarette on Shabbos. It was decided that the Bachur should be expelled. When the Chofetz Chaim heard about it, he asked that the boy be brought to his home. After the short meeting the teenager was transformed; he never desecrated Shabbos again in his entire life.
Many years later, the boy who was by then well advanced in years, revealed what had happened during his meeting with the Chofetz Chaim:
“I was terrified to have to go and face him, but what had transpired, I never expected. As we met, he took my hand and clasped it tenderly in both of his. With his eyes closed he brought my hand up to his face. When he opened his eyes, I could see that they were filled with tears.
He said in a hushed voice full of pain, ‘Shabbos’ and started to cry. He was now holding both my hands in his, repeating with deep feeling: ‘Shabbos; Hailiger (holy) Shabbos.’ The tears continued to roll down his face.
Throughout his rebuke, which consisted entirely of the word Shabbos, I never felt that he was angry, only that he was sad and disappointed with me for violating the holy Shabbos and for having betrayed his confidence.
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We are all familiar with the rules of today’s cultural environment and its political correctness: No matter what you think, always smile and say nice things and never, ever upset anyone. But is that in line with Judaism? What does the Torah have to say about this contemporary societal ethic?
The Book of Devarim – “Spoken words,” is the fifth book of the Torah. The title is taken from the opening phrase Eileh Ha-devarim, “These are the words.” The English title: Deuteronomy, is a translation of the Hebrew phrase: “Mishneh Ha-torah Ha-zos” – repetition of this law (Deuteronomy 17:18).
It is evident from the very opening sentence that the final book of the Pentateuch is different from the first four. Unlike the usual introductory statement, “G‑d spoke to Moshe, saying,” we read: “These are the words that Moshe spoke to all of Israel on the far side of the Jordan River...” (Deut. 1:1).
Devarim is a record of the speeches that Moshe delivered at the end of the 40 year desert journey, as he prepared to part ways with the people who were on the brink of fulfilling their national destiny of occupying the Promised Land under the leadership of Yehoshua.
After all the years of faithfully leading the Jewish people, with love and dedication, Moshe decided to address them right before his passing and to rebuke them for the missteps that they had taken, in order that they continue on the right path.
From the moment he received the Torah, Moshe was devoted to conveying the value of Torah study to the nation, now he had to find a way to impart this ideal for posterity. Devarim includes few, if any, new events that happened to the nation, or direct Divine commands. In this sense it is different from the other four Books of the Torah.
The Talmud confirms that the prophetic nature of this book is qualitatively different than the others. While the other books of the Torah are a direct transmission of G‑d's word, Moshe said Deuteronomy “On his own” (Megillah 31b).
The book consists of three sermons delivered to the Israelites by Moshe on the plains of Moav, shortly before they entered the Promised Land. The first sermon recapitulates the forty years of wilderness wanderings which have led to this moment, and ends with an exhortation to observe the laws. In this talk he rebukes the people and reminds them of their sins, how much they rebelled in the desert.
The second reminds the Israelites of the need for exclusive allegiance to one G‑d and the observance of His laws on which their possession of the land depends. The third, offers the comfort that even should Israel prove unfaithful and so lose the land, with repentance all can be restored.
It is truly ironic that Moshe; the man who described himself as "Slow of speech and slow of tongue,” having “Never been a man of words”– “Devarim,” (Exod. 4:10) delivers a powerful and sustained verbal presentation comprising an entire volume, whose name is Devarim – “words.”
His words are focused towards a new generation, who are tasked with the challenges of transitioning from a nomadic people to a nation that builds cities and cultivates the land. The original Covenant at Sinai was made with their ancestors – men and women who had just emerged from slavery and faced a completely different set of challenges.
His overarching message to them was how fragile a human being's loyalty can be; how much effort is needed to keep to any path, even a path chosen by G‑d Himself. The theme is repeated over and over: “Guard yourselves lest you should forget the L-rd your G‑d, so as not to keep His commandments...” (Deut. 8:11).
Moshe's concern in the book of Devarim, remains the religious challenge of the day: How do you take a story that happened in a given time and place and make it the story of others; as meaningful to them as the day it occurred – How to tell the story of our people's relationship with G‑d and move thereby a new generation to willfully and passionately enter into this sacred Covenant? How do you convince a generation of Jews that the Jewish community and Torah provide a rich compelling framework for a happy and meaningful existence?
The experience of learning and teaching is a central theme of Devarim. No form of the Hebrew root ל-מ-ד – to learn, study, or teach – appears in any of the prior books, yet in Devarim it appears seventeen times in thirty-four chapters. The verb is used in connection to G‑d teaching the Israelites, Moshe teaching the nation and, perhaps most critically, the Israelites themselves teaching Torah – “Impress My words upon your heart . . . and teach them to your children; reciting them when you stay at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you get up (Deut. 11:18–19).”
Understood in these terms, learning is not simply a means to acquire information. For the Jew, learning constitutes the process through which we connect with our history and make these historical events our personal narratives.
Most of all, however, Devarim is a book of care and compassion. It conveys the profound feelings of love and devotion that Moshe possessed toward the people that he has led for forty years.
While many a remark uttered in his exhaustive monologue, could be seen as feisty, even harsh – the Hebrew word “Devarim” actually has the connotation of tough and piercing words – Moshe, in reality, harbored nothing but sincere affection and concern for his vulnerable flock. His words of rebuke reflected his genuine love for the people that he so adored.
At the very time that he complains of the nation’s rebellious and stubborn tendencies, he repeatedly implores them to observe the Divine commandments; he blesses them and wishes that they increase one thousand fold. His critical observations were what might be described in our current society as “Tough love.”
To love a people and yet be objective in assessing its faults and shortcomings, without diminishing your love for them, is a formidable emotional task. It is the course followed by all later prophets and true selfless shepherds of Israel who followed the path of Moshe.
The Torah’s lessons are relevant for all of time, particularly those that are derived from our consummate teacher; Moshe. This is especially true regarding the teachings that are derived from the book of Devarim; the book that was expressly directed towards the future generations.
The notion of being open and honest with our friends about their good traits as well as their not so good traits, is certainly an important life principle that is relevant today as it was three thousand years ago.
Unlike the dictates of our modern culture and the ethics of “Political correctness,” if we truly love someone we would not refrain from sharing with them things that are apt to hold them back and bring them down in life, even if it’s not so pleasant. Not to do so, because “We don’t want to upset them,” which usually means “We don’t want to risk making them upset at us, is plain selfish. The Torah has accordingly instructed us: “You shall surely rebuke your fellow Jew.” (Vayikra 19:17)
It is a basic tenet of Judaism that each and every Jew is responsible for one another. The Talmud relates that R’ Elazar Ben Azariya had a neighbor, whose cow went out with a ribbon on Shabbos, (which is forbidden based on the laws of carrying on Shabbos) and that he was blamed for her sin because he had the ability to rebuke her (Shabbos 54b).
The Talmud acknowledges that it is exceedingly difficult to rebuke someone in an effective way, yet it does not mean that we are exempt from the obligation. A key factor in determining whether a rebuke will have a positive or negative effect is one’s motivation. Properly intended, a rebuke becomes an act of affirmation and love, it affirms our faith that the person is worth the effort in the first place; that he is capable of improvement." Offered with love and a sense of humility, a rebuke is a gift and a challenge, opening one’s eyes to his deficiencies.
In absence of friends, colleagues and family willing to point out our errors of judgment or action, we may well blind ourselves to our own faults and aspects of reality we don't wish to see. Each of us depends on the caring of others, their courage to articulate disappointment in our action, as the indispensable prerequisite to self-improvement and refinement.
Of course we have to do it with utmost care and sensitivity, but not to be open and honest; to withhold our true feelings because we find it easier not to rock the boat, or because we don’t care to jeopardize our precious popularity, has nothing to do with virtue or correctness. “Better the criticism of someone who loves you (Moshe),” states the Talmud, “Than the compliments of your enemy (Bilaam).”
Moshe maintained his love and concern for the Jewish people in the midst of speaking harshly to them. Indeed, it is clear that this love was the very reason for his rebuke. He had no need to prove himself by currying favor with them. The people were certain that he had no personal agenda; he had no interest to degrade them or exult himself at their expense. The people realized that he was on their side and that his love was unconditional.
This Shabbos; Chazon, we read the harsh rebuke from Isaiah. How does the inveterate lover of Israel carry out his rebuke without alienating his audience? He begins with this verse: Banim Gidalti V’romamti, V’hem Pashu Bi – Children I have raised and exalted, yet they have rebelled against Me. To be worthy of giving rebuke one has to establish the context of love.
Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski writes that while as child he would get into his share of trouble, his father taught him a priceless lesson in how to rebuke. His father would scold his children in Yiddish, “Es past nisht” – What you did isn’t appropriate for somebody as wonderful and special as you! The message was driven home that he was a child with tremendous potential who simply needed to maintain his focus on channeling his energy properly.
All too often, we hear parents degrading their children, “You good-for-nothing! How could you be so foolish and lazy?” A child who grows up hearing this message, slowly absorbs the belief that he is truly foolish and lazy. He will likely go on to live-up to this self-image.
We learn from Moshe that the one who rebukes must care about the other person, and empathize with him; trying to understand where he is coming from and what is the best way to influence him for the good.
The Talmud sates that Jerusalem was destroyed because the Jews did not rebuke each other (Shabbos 119). If we want to have a better world, a better society and community, we need to help each other grow and improve. We can take a few practical lessons from Moshe as to how one should rebuke.
According to Rashi, Moshe rebuked the Children of Israel by means of a hint, so as to preserve their honor. The first lesson then, is to make reference rather than be direct, cajole rather than nag.
Before he rebuked the Jewish people for the sin of the spies, Moshe took responsibility for his own sins; he took blame upon himself. He likewise began his review of the 40 year desert sojourn by declaring that he couldn’t handle the situation; that he was too reluctant a leader. He further acknowledged that G‑d got angry with him as well, not just at the masses. This practice is another way of making our own admonishment more effective.
After recalling the first sin at the outset of their travels, Moshe returned to the present time; the conquest of the trans-Jordan. He abandoned the chronological order so as to give them encouragement. Before mentioning all their sins, he wanted to establish their successes as well. By calling attention to the fact that they had already begun the conquest, he encouraged and informed them that he believed in them, he was certain that they were up to the task of conquering the land: “You did it and you will do it again.” This approach is certain to enhance the effectiveness of our own rebuke of a loved one.
Finally, timing is everything. That may be why the coordinates of time and place were established at the very outset. The timing; Rosh Chodesh Shevat, was key according to Rashi, because it is most effective to rebuke prior to death, since it avoids the possibility of nagging. Once is rebuke, twice is annoying. It also minimizes embarrassment, because the one who is rebuked never has to face his rebuker again.
We can learn from Moshe that using subtlety, humility, encouragement, good timing, and love, can go a long way in turning negative criticism into productive advice and loving counsel.
Perhaps, though, the most critical aspect of rebuke is not how it is said, but how it is received. One who is open minded to self-betterment, and seeks to improve his character, finds rebuke in almost everything he sees and hears, and loves it. “Rebuke the wise, and he will love you” (Mishlei 9:8). On the other hand, for one whose eyes and mind are closed to criticism, there are no words that will be received well, no matter how eloquently spoken. "Do not rebuke the scorner, lest he hate you (ibid)."
It is said that when the Ba'al Shem Tov would rebuke his disciples, they would often argue afterwards as to what had in fact been the main point of the Rebbe's rebuke. Each disciple had understood the words as they applied to his personal situation.
By taking the lesson of our eternal teacher Moshe, in rebuking with love, we will merit the day when teaching will no longer be necessary for the knowledge of G‑d will fill the land as water covers the sea, with the coming of the righteous Moshiach BBA.
